2| crafternoon (n.)

this one came to me at hobby lobby. it was born out of frustration as well. frustration which stems from having to share one location with hundreds of non-artists, dabblers, crabs, crabby dabblers and red hat society members looking for red hat ephemera to jam up their yard, post on their doors, adhere to their windshields. having an art supply section that’s not only shitty but treated as an afterthought. treating paint and bristol board like unshaven, bra-less nobodies at a manicured sorority scrapbooking scrapoff. stupid carts filled with 4th-world tourist art and mylar and rubber stamp kits and scissors with feel-good tips. this word defines all hobby lobbiest activity occuring between the hours of 12 and 5 PM, generally sundays.

contextual use:

• “louise, this crafternoon i need to spray paint these plastic pine cones gold…”
• “tammy, would you tell louise to spray her cones outside? i’ve been suffering from mid-crafternoon headaches, thanks.”

1| phoner (n.)

there are things i want to own but am reluctant to buy because of the baggage. the hands-free earpiece is a start. the posturing, the projecting, the arm-waving. it’s a surrogate pal for socially awkward moments: alone and waiting at a bar, alone and waiting for the bus, alone in general. i don’t want to be part of that club. the club for those forgettable types who ejaculate over affordable luxury, sharing their excitement with every checkout lane, locker room, theater lobby. to make myself feel better i created a word for this hybrid sexual experience.

contextual use:

• “…when people stare at me on my sweet bluetooth headpiece, it gives me a phoner.”
• “…that loser on his bluetooth is totally getting a phoner.”