sm| correctify (v.)

this one comes from sarah when she worked at kiehl’s. i was reminded not to forget it in this recent e-mail:

“oh, don’t forget correctify … that’s the one that J used to always say … frank thought maybe she was actually a genius—cuz it’s a pretty good word … too bad she didn’t realize she had made it up.”

this one’s tricky. derived from error and ignorance it brilliantly blends two synonyms into a superlative: tweek, fix, correctify. to be reserved for the most extreme fuck-ups: financial, legal, cosmetic surgery, teen parties when used to its full potential.

contextual use:

“…Bear Stearns just imploded and Warren Buffet correctified the fall by purchasing all remaining stock for $15 billion.”

“…Sarah, I don’t mean to correctify you, but the tangerine-banana candles don’t go with the pine-pond moss ones.”

mja| field report

informant maggie allen, of corn on the macabre, submitted these gems this afternoon:

mistake sauce (n.)
semen; specifically refers to unwanted baby batter that gets all up in there and makes you pregnant.

whisker pudding (n.)
female genitalia

fandal (n.)
way too excited, alcohol-driven appreciator of college athletics who expresses his/her excitement for a national championship by destroying private and public property in the process. see also: fandalism.

spic-lit (n.)
in a library, the spanish language fiction section.

negromance (n.) / negromance (adj.)
the burgeoning african-american romance genre in contemporary fiction; see also: negromance (adj.).

“…where all the negromance novels at?”

9| muffaletta (n.)

this homonym on the verge of onomatopoeia was created in the bathroom of the bottleneck (lawrence KS) during smackdown trivia night in 2003. my friend karen and i were in there on a break. from the stall next to me came some of the loudest popping like clapping gas. i looked down and recognized the shoes of another teammate whom neither of us knew very well. i was flattered she felt close enough to us to carry on like that and at the same time shocked she made no effort to avoid making such noise. when the bathroom emptied i grabbed karen and made some big eyes at her. big eyes like googly eyes. eyes that shouted who the fuck is THAT cavalier? when we were the only ones left in there i told karen how i avoid that whole production. i roll up about a fistfull of toilet paper and put it on the surface of the water. then i make another puffy pillow and hold it against my body. it captures the prelude. muffles it until things begin to move. that little pillow is my muffaletta.

contextual use:

• “…just like a padded office chair, the muffaletta captures secret emissions unbeknownst to the people around you.”
• “…for god’s sake–make a muffaletta.”

8| wright-on (adj.)

filtration sysyems often favor what makes the final cut, like a juicer, when unnatural concentration occurs and sugar levels become unhealthy. no one eats 20 oranges, but they’ll drink them. have we forgotten about gold mining, when the small stuff gets discarded and the biggest objects are the first to make the cut? when it comes to filtering information, i prefer the latter. i want to be in the stream myself making decisions about what to keep and what to discard. the news media juiced reverend jeremiah wright when their job was to pan, and much of america is drunk on that sickly fermentation.

in an interview on PBS with bill moyers, after being asked why so many people have responded so negatively to his sermons, wright said (paraphrased as best as possible), “when revolutions are won, the victors write the history from their own perspective to ensure future generations remember what was fought for and what was won. all men are created equal? americans have inherited a myth and they get angry when what i say compromises it.” wright-on is often associated with the cold sweats, feelings of vertigo and a ringing in the ears. it can also lead to loss of hearing all-together. wright-on is to be so real it hurts. etymology: derived from the proper noun, reverend jeremiah wright.

contextual use:

• “…the holocaust museum is wright-on.”
• “…i can’t look at the PETA website because it’s too wright-on and i feel helpless.”
• “…i wish al gore wasn’t so wright-on–he’s totally ruining my fishing trip.”

7| artifiction (n.)

art objects, when created for utilitarian or ceremonial purposes, are commonly known as artifacts. there is an enormous tourist industry, sometimes referred to as “the 4th world”, in which reproducing cultural artifacts or modifying the design all-together to make it more marketable is encouraged. sometimes, to the untrained eye, these items are easily mistaken as authentic, meaning they’ve been used for ceremonial purposes. most consumer-produced objects such as these are often seen in import stores like world market, pier 1–even hobby lobby carries them. they are made specifically for tourists and have absolutely no cultural significance aside from defining the 20th and 21st-century tourist industry. because of this, i decided to rename them for what they are: miserable crap. throughout the world, artifictions are produced heavily in unindustrialized countries. in america, they come out of the southwest (santos/boultos woodcarving knock-offs), southeast (appalachian folk art knock-offs) and from artifiction makers of faux indigenous objects like moccasins, bow and arrows, arrowheads, etc.

contextual use:

• “…wayne, the next time we go to ganna (ghana) and the kote devoray (cote d’ivoire/ivory coast), let’s pick up more of those funny brown statues at the holiday inn gift shop…”

6| snacksighs (n.)

language is inherently collaborative. new words result from conversation between my friends and me all the time, often in search of definitions for emotions or unprecidented cultural transformations (ex: internet/tech language) in which nothing exists to our satisfaction. i got this email from karen yesterday:

I’ve been trying to think of a word for the following feeling: the emotion/anxiety that bubbles up briefly while watching your candy/chips start to be released from one of those coiled vending machines.  I frequently only have enough money to purchase one thing and I’m always have a fleeting feeling of anxiety as I worry that my candy/chips will get stuck in the coils.

I thought that I should combine anxiety/anxious with vending somehow, but I haven’t come up with anything.  I haven’t really put a whole lot of thought into it either.

the machines in our staff breakroom are chronically unpredictable. i don’t carry much cash anymore because i like debit cards. and although the coke guy reimburses us for lost change / suspended items, that isn’t immediate. when you’re stuck at the library from 12-9 on a sunday night and it’s 7 PM and you’re starving, anxiety peaks until the food drops: did i push the right number selection? why is the transaction pausing? why won’t it take this dollar? does anyone have a newer dollar? isn’t that trail mix too far back in the coil to make it another rotation? karen modified it brilliantly: snacksighety (n.)

contextual use:

• “…karen, don’t let that dangling oreo cookie bar give you snacksighety–i have more change in my desk.”
• “…heather, let’s go out for lunch–this machine gives me the snacksighs.”

jb| field report

smart jodi invented these golden nuggets:

daisy dykes (n.)
knee-length denim cut-offs

can liners (n.)
dumpy big girl underwear

cookie cutters (n.)
jeans that create camel toe/are pulled up too high

jimmin’s weans (n.)
typically lee brand full-seat taper jean that comes to rest just below the ankle; often stone-washed; (etymology: from “women’s jeans“).

american man strand (n.)
a comb-over situation

brahm stroker (n.)
internet vampire; a self-imagined sexual dark lord preferring the 13 and under crowd who admires poison rings, purple velvet, long hair, candle-melt wine bottles, one dangly earring, one or more long fingernails, internet alter-egos.

tidy little prophet (n.)
alan greenspan

beau-flex (n.)
muscle-y, meathead boyfriend; invented by KitMit.

5| widewalk (n.)

in new subdivisions and gated communities throughout northeast kansas, landscaping features include meadering paths broad enough to ensure concrete-for-grass forfeiture or courtesy stepasides get phased out of residential activity. planners have created an architectural euphamaism: more room means less tacky middle-class sharing and unnecessary subordination. widewalks never get dirty and are most often located within nature-free nature.

contextual use:

• “…madison, tell your sister chelsea not to push hamilton off the widewalk.”
• “…is that gum on our widewalk?”

4| crackyard (n.)

i used to live in central topeka which means every time francis (my deaf catahoula) escaped restraint with me in tow, area prostitues and prescription codeine dealers shouted assistance: “…girl you crazy runnin’ in them slippers…” and “…looks like he’s loose.” the most time i ever spent chasing him was two hours. i was on foot, in a cocktail dress, in low heels and still digesting thanksgiving dinner. deaf dogs get hit by cars and francis was the number one pet of all time so i chased him, crying, out of fear and frustration. at 10th and washburn i almost gave up. he was snooping around a parking lot behind stormont vail hospital, head down but with his eyes fixed on me. i sat down on the sidewalk, patted the concrete, gave him the “snack fingers” (the look at my hand there’s an air treat for you trick). nothing. then running away. i caught him finally after trapping him on a degraded, enclosed porch. when repeating this story today, crackyard was born. a neighborhood crackyard defines the rear property of a ramshackle rental, generally forgotten by tennants and landlords. grass to dirt ratio: 90/10. dandelion to grass ratio: 90/10. muddy plastic to organic matter ratio: 50/50. generally contains the following elements: rusty BBQ grill, muddy tie-out chain with fur, muddy water bowl, scattered dog kibble, half-buried happy meal figures, a woozy fence, broken cinder blocks.

contextual use:

• “…i swear if you make me chase you through another fucking crackyard you goddamned dog…”
• “…bonnie, use the side entrance–the rain’s made the crackyard all swampy.”

3| tundlenard (n.)

my HTC mogul has a setting called transcriber. i don’t have to learn new shorthand like some older versions. this one allows me to write at normal speed in my own handwriting and is amazingly inaccurate when things get sloppy. HTC mogul gets credit for creating the word. i’ll take credit for contributing to the decline of the english language. tundlenard resulted from writing “turtleneck” and is synonymous with acrochordon.

contextual use:

• “…grandma, are those tundlenards on your face contagious?”
• “…who has scissors? this tundlenard is making me bitchy.”

alternate meaning: sometimes used as a derogatory term for mentally challenged sports participants (uncovered by kmha, hplm, r.)

• “…has anyone made reservations yet for the tundlenards’ plane trip to the 2008 beijing special olympics?”